Episode 10- The Ongoing Colleen Haskell Fashion line.
Yawn. I so don’t want to write this summary. Tagi Alliance is in full swing, most threatening Pagong voted off…boring. Anyway, here goes.
Everyone’s happy Jenna is gone because it’s so much quieter now. “Oh, you betcha dat der Jenna was a yapper” Soozen states. It’s nice that the Rattana tribe is so nice and quiet and peaceful…oh, never mind. Here comes Colleen. “They liked my cute hat, they liked my mini-mini-skirt, they liked my cape, they liked my face paintings. Open your eyes, Sean! I am quite creative!” She also says something about Sean being a major doof, but we already knew this. Onward! (Oh! And for the nice feller who asked, Colleen’s eyes are, in fact,
blue. I think.)
The alliance was fully aware of Dr. Doof’s ABC strategy and knew they’d get four votes against Jenna with him. Duh. Doof STILL isn’t positive whether or not there’s an alliance. Where the
heck did he get his M.D.? K-Mart? Sean, look…I had a Fisher-Price Doctor’s Kit when I was a kid too, but I realized early on that the hospital was no place for morons like you and I.
Dicque’s head swells to enormous new sizes as he talks about strategizing. Apparently, he didn’t like his birthday present from the Cutie-Pie Alliance and brags about being invincible. This somehow leads to snakes and that prompts Dicque to strip down again. The following scene is a classic. Colleen approaches Dicque.
“Put some clothes on. NOW.” Colleen demands.
“Oh, scary, the kitty is MAD!” Dicque retorts. Colleen grabs a spear and points it towards Dicque.
“Cover your crack or I’ll shove this spear so far up your @$$ it’ll kill that gerbil that’s been running around in there for 4 years.”
Dicque laughs at the threat and turns around. Colleen lets out a caterwaul and keeps her promise about the spear. Dicque dies a horrible death. Viewers rejoice. Colleen does a happy dance.
The luxury challenge/Island curse this week is a slice of pizza from under some survivor’s bed at home. Colleen, true to form, takes this week’s Miss Obvious prize for yelling out “Pizza!” at the first sight of the slim box. No way, Colleen! I thought it was Jeffy in a little box! Golly Gee! Anyway, the contestants have to balance on bamboo, first one across wins. Gervase wins and offers to share his slice of pizza with everyone. Rudy declines, stating he doesn’t want “icky homosexual cooties from that queer”. Gervase also wins a phone call home. When Jeffy asks who he’ll call, he says, “Um, uh…that girl, the, uh, what’s her name…the one who just had a baby.” After strenuous searches, the woman’s name was found and she was contacted. Gervase talks to her, loads of fun ensue. Just not on this show.
Colleen and Kelly think the situation they’re in sucks, not because they will probably never win, but because after tonight’s tribal council, there will be no guys to act out those “urges” they have on.
How boring. “Well, I DID shove a spear up Dicque’s tubby rear this morning.” Colleen says, ever the optimist. I would have never imagined she had a sadistic side. Any chances of a hot…okay, steamy…okay, utterly repulsive lesbian love affair on the island are squashed when Soozen compares Kelly to her late best friend. “Except,” she says, “I won’t
f*** her.” I don’t think any guys were saddened by that announcement. Did you hear Colleen turned down Playboy? Ahh, NOW I hear all those horny adolescent hearts breaking.
Colleen wows us with another cool fashion, and yet another funny nickname for her. She shows off the super-hip “Sitting Duck” tank-top, hand made with tape. If only she’d put on her hat, cape, and mini-mini-skirt, she would have redefined fashion completely.
Gervase speaks to Sean and Kelly, who both say they’ll vote with the Cutie-Pie alliance if they all decide on one person to vote for.
There’s an immunity challenge, and the ghost of Dicque shows up and whoops everyone. Viewers across the nation cringe and moan at the realization we’ll be seeing another full hour of Dicque next week. A man in Tulsa kills himself over this. Gervase and Colleen, AKA Target and Sitting Duck, wear their new fashions to the tribal council and say their final goodbyes. Colleen announces she wants to be called Sitting Duck from now on and that she knows there’s an alliance. Soozen unknowingly admits this during an analogy involving her husband, the couch, the TV, and a tub of Haagen Dazs.
The final vote is 5 to 2, and Gervase is a goner. Sean and Kelly shout, “WAIT! We thought we were writing down who our ALLIES were!” But it’s too late. Gervase is out of there, and Colleen rearranges her feathers so she can look really pretty for her probable kill in three days. “Unless,” she says, “I can make Dicque snap with that spear again…hmmm…”
See y’all next week for another doofy episode of “The Colleen Haskell Fashion Hour”, I mean “Survivor”.
Send all comments, complaints, and candy bars to Fluffnuts66@aol.com
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