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Well, as I work my way
backwards on these dad gum summaries, I finally get to episode 8, one of
my personal favorites. It has everything, as indicated by the title;
"Coconuts, Carabineers, and Kinky Sex". A classic.
Everyone on the island is suspicious. The dimwitted
Pagongers are suspicious of a possible alliance, and the scheming Tagians
are suspicious of how dumb the goofy Pagongers really are. All Rattana
members are suspicious of Dicque's inability to lose weight.
Gervase and Greg think there is an alliance. Why else
would anyone kick Gretchen off? "Man," Gervase says,
"Gretchen was like, the mama bird. How are we supposed to be
our lazy selves NOW?" Colleen is not convinced. "Silly
men!" she scoffs. "There's no alliance, doofs. And if there WERE
one, it's not a threat because there are more of us then there are of
them." Someone, ANYONE, please, enroll little Colleen in counting
classes. Four has never been more than 5, and I'll bet money it never is.
The Pagong men are persuaded by Colleen's charms, since they've been
slaves to her since day one, and scold themselves for being so stupid and
ask if she still loves them. "Silly men!" she repeats. She walks
off, leaving Greg and Gervase wondering what in the heck just happened,
and Sean, who was also there, just sits with his typical
deer-in-the-headlights expression.
Dicque is off catching fish again. He takes the time to
explain to the cameras about his fishing skills, and how much he likes to
fish, especially for eels. "The great thing about eels is they're
great for anal pleasure. They always give you a little shock." Excuse
me while I vomit. As Dicque does his job and kills dinner with a butter
knife, Colleen gets in her weekly televised squeals. She asks if there's a
more humane way to kill the fish. Gervase suggests he simply let the fish
suffocate while telling them a bedtime story.
"Rich, why don't you let me snap that poor fish's
neck?" Colleen asks. "It'll be quicker and much more humane than
subjecting anyone to listen to YOU." Sir Dicque shuts up and kills
the fish, his ego bruised.
Colleen and Greg are off in the bushes, thinking of all
the kinky things you can find on an island like Pulau Tiga. The list is
endless. Then they jump into a serious conversation about the important
issues in life, like what Real World season was the best and whether or
not Britney Spears has implants. And then, as usual, they begin talking
about hot, kinky island sex. "God, Greg, last night...you were just
HORRIBLE in bed. I'm voting for you next time." Colleen says.
"Fine, see what happens." Greg says defensively. "You're
voting for me, huh? You knew I was faking it...SHOOT!" Colleen storms
off, but decides to stick around behind a bush to hear what Greg says to
the cameras.
"It's like this. You bring this little
kitten along, and you play with it and grope it and have all kinds of
kinky hot sex with it. And then when she decides she doesn't want to play
your raunchy games anymore, you snap her neck, man. It's nothing personal,
you're just horny."
Jeff shows up with a big huge wooden box.
Everyone wonders what it is. Colleen thinks it's ice cream sandwiches. Um,
okay. It turns out CBS has just been using the castaways to form a new
dysfunctional Nielsen family so they can say "We're number one in the
22-72 year-old people stranded on an island demo!" The castaways
watch a new CBS show, "Where is My Loved One?" On this
great show, people try to get in contact with missing family members by
broadcasting videos saying the usual stuff: "We miss you,"
"We love you," and "The mailman ran off with your
wife." Conveniently, the castaways all have clips on this show from
family members! Well, except for Jenna. Jenna gets a postcard from
her kids saying, "Grandma thought you getting out of the house was a
good reason for us to go to Disney World. Hahaha." Jenna breaks down
at this news. "I always wanted to go to Disney World, now I'll never
meet Mickey Mouse! WAAAHHH!" An archery contest takes place to
determine who gets to see the hilarious outtakes of their family's video.
Greg kicks everyone's butt, and we are forced again to watch the madness
that appears to be genetic in the Buis family. Oh, the humanity! Oddly,
the outtakes are not that different from the actual video.
Greg tries to soften up to Dicque because
"playing mind games with Dicque is ALMOST as fun as having Colleen
tie me up to a bamboo mattress and pour coconut oil on me." I'll bet
it is, Greg. I just don't care. Dicque is shocked, SHOCKED, that anyone
would try to befriend him, clearly Dicque doesn't have many friends. He
can't take all this positive attention and decides Greg is a huge threat,
not to mention he must be gay. Now Greg is marked as PubDicque enemy
number one. Oh shucks.
Immunity challenge! Oh, fun! Jeffy explains
a game that is far too complex for the simple-minded person that is me.
All of the castaways understand the concept, though, so I guess I'm just
really stupid. Whatever. I won't think about the game, just the fact that
"carabineer" is a really fun word. Okay, people running around,
jumping, getting lost....carabineer! Gervase wins, no one cares. CARABINEER!
CARABINEER!
Oh, shiver me timbers! It's Tribal Council
time! Run Greg, RUN! Colleen and Gervase vote for Jenna out of pity so she
can get off the island and meet her kids at Disney World like she always
wanted. Greg votes for Jenna because he thinks she is on the verge of
stealing his cocophone to use as a new bikini top. Can't let that happen!
The evil alliance votes for Greg, and Jenna votes for Greg because she
thinks Greg is a chameleon. "You can have sex with the kitten or you
can have sex with the Dicque, just don't cheat both of them. And stop
hogging booty from the rest of us." is her explanation. Sean also
votes for Greg because he ate his Alpha-bits for breakfast. Yay for him.
Okay, so Greg is gone in a 6-3 vote. Shucks gee golly! There goes the entertainment.
Well, Greg starts bawling like a baby, which seems extremely pathetic,
until you realize he's reenacting a scene from "The Jerk." Then
it's friggin' hilarious. Take that, Anal Probst! As soon as Greg is down
that dark path to the final confessional, Colleen looks for a new slave. Jeff lets out a big childish "Yippee" because Mr. Mockery
is gone. And I wonder when these dumb Pagongers will get a clue.
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