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Episode 9- "Lesbian Super Heroes Unite! "Well, it's time for another fun-filled week on Pulau Tiga. We see our standard confessional interview with all of the castaways, oh, yippee. Greg is gone, and the nature phone went with him. This episode is gonna be as exciting as a root canal. Rich is bragging about catching fish. As usual. "I'm SO great! I caught 20 pounds of fish! I'm SO smart! Everyone loves me!" I would like to note that Rich refers to himself as "everyone" from time to time. He starts yapping about how he's going to distribute food and everything, like he's a friggin' camp coordinator or something. Hey, Richie! Let's ration our fish today, and tonight we'll all make s'mores and play telephone! Yippee! Rich's yammering annoys Colleen, as well as America. But Colleen has a little tree to sit in and a cameraman to tape her, so we hear her side of the story instead. Basically, she says Rich is an ass, and that he should "just go home, go get your liposuction, and go catch more fish." Well, Colleen, I couldn't have said it better myself. I just want to know how she got in the tree, she seems pretty limber for someone whose neck was just snapped. Um, let's see...what's next...FISH! Ah, of course. So the wimmins get out on their raft to go fishing. They lift up the little fish cage, expecting, once again, to catch nothing...whaaa? There's a big, honkin' fish in there! The wimmins caught a fish! The wimmins caught a fish! And they have saved me from having to watch Rich jiggle around underwater! Yay for wimmins! No Rich-Jiggle is great! Well, it's time for my favorite part of the show: Luxury/Curse challenge time! Yippee-doo! This week's challenge I actually UNDERSTAND! Yay! The survivors have to walk along a rope course, collecting medallions with their numbers on them, and they can't fall off. First one back to the start platform wins. Did I get it? Whoo-hoo! Bravissimo for Fluffy! Alrighty, the survivors are off! Richard falls! YAY! Jenna kicks him! DOUBLE YAY! Everyone else walks around, grabbing their medallions, Jenna lingers to beat the crap out of Rich. Kelly and Colleen are in first and second, respectively, for most of the contest, although from what I saw, Colleen was much better on the ropes, balance wise. Anyway, Kelly yells that she's done, and Jeffy goes, "You have to get back to the platform!" Yeah, Kelly. You have to get back to the platform. Even I knew that, and I'm stupid! So Jeffy also asks if anyone else is done. Colleen says she's done, and Jenna is almost done whooping on Rich. It's Kelly and Colleen, a race to the platform...slow motion kicks in, the high-energy music kicks in, there are explosions...okay, not really. Colleen gets to the platform just ahead of Kelly, thanks to some kung-fu flip thingie. Go Colleen! Jeffy says a bunch of crap about Colleen's barbecue..."Yeah, the barbecue weighs a total of 583 pounds, or 7.8 Colleens. So, Colleen, since the barbecue weighs about 8 times your body weight, how would you feel about inviting..." "EVERYBODY!" She shouts excitedly. Uh, um, even Rich? Whaaa? "NO! Mwa hahaha! That'd be too NICE! Not everyone! Just one person. Do you actually think we would allow you to choose EVERYONE and take away the drama of having to make a tough decision and pick one person over the rest of your new enemies? HA!" Those cruel CBS people. They're so mean. "Oh...well, do they get their letter from home too?" Well, if the answer is what I think it is... "Yeah." Oooh, Colleen! Tough decision! One person will get this huge barbecue with you, AND their letter from home. Wouldn't that Just bE SUPER for someoNe who hasN't seen their KIDS, or seen A VIDEOTAPE from HOME for a month? This is brain-wracking. And I can't think of ANYONE that just, oh, I dunno...sticks out as an obvious choice for Colleen to pick. Shucks gee golly! Colleen picks Jenna and shocks...NO ONE AT ALL! How do you like them apples for your "dramatic choices", CBS? HA! And to add insult to injury, no one is back at camp whining about Colleen not picking them over Jenna. I laugh again at you, CBS. Now you will just have a ton of wasted food as two of the 3 considerably skinnier castaways chow down on enough food for an entire poverty-stricken country. Tsk, tsk. So Colleen and Jenna frolic off to their little barbecue, and everyone else mopes back to camp to stuff themselves with Rice a la Rudy for the umpteenth day. I wonder who has more fun...hmm. Jenna's "letter" is really a bunch of pictures...and shucks gee golly if she doesn't get screwed over again, it isn't from her kids. It's a love letter from Sean. Apparently, his only way of written communication is through cutting and pasting pictures to paper. It's easier than dealing with all those difficult letters and stuff. But there is SOME writing. "deer jennuh i like u u r preddy an ramembur wen wee wer on the iland we drunk lots ov wine i theenk i liked u most then but i wach u evry nite wen u r uhsleep en ur hamok. luv shon." Jenna is understandably upset, because once again, she doesn't get anything from her kids, and now she's living with a stalker. Colleen thinks Sean's letter is cute. Like the time I wrote a poem about mud, my kindergarten teacher thought that was cute too. Ahh...rise and shine, it's...oh, GOD, no! Don't tell me...argh. It's Rich's birthday, and he's decided, since everyone loves Rich, to walk around in all his naked glory. Did I say glory? I meant horror. Rich walks right up to Jenna, and plop! Sits down next to her. Oh, you poor girl! She gets up and hurls. Rudy says "When my wife asked who I stayed with on the island, I'll tell her a queer who ran around bare-assed half the time." God, between Colleen and Rudy, I'm out of luck with the Rich jokes this week! They keep stealing them! Rich is talking about how Colleen made a face and covered her eyes when she noticed he was naked. "I don't know what that's intended to signal." Rich says. Oh, gee golly, Rich! What do you THINK it means? My guess is that Colleen, like everyone else on the island, including the crew, doesn't want to see your ugly rolls jiggling around naked! Just a guess, though. Man, get a clue! Well, apparently Colleen, Jenna, and Kelly are bored. So they dress up as super heroes. After seeing the morale boost this was to everyone...everyone being those three girls...I wonder why someone didn't think of dressing up sooner. Susan and Rudy whine the most about it. "They remind me of lesbians or something" Rudy says, ever the homophobe. Colleen retorts with "you're just jealous because you don't have a rocking super-hero cape like us!" And you know what? She's right. They don't have big, cute hats either. Immunity challenge! Let's see if I understand THIS one...okay...there's a board...there's squares...uh...umm...yeah...flip it over...move...SHUCKS! I suck at these games! Everyone plays the game, but Colleen plays it in her supercape and painted whiskers. I never realized before how much she actually DID look like a cat. Sheesh. This game takes too long, and I fall asleep. I wake up 4 hours later and discover Rudy won. Big whoop, like he would have been voted off anyway. Back at the camp, Colleen decides she just hasn't done enough for fashion yet. So she pulls her official Reebok Rattana Wrap down to her waist, and voila! Now she has a mini-mini-skirt instead of a tube top. What a clever girl. Susan gets jealous again, because her official Reebok Rattana Wrap just wouldn't do that on her. It'd work as a belt, at most. NOTE: Colleen's little modeling on the Pulau Tiga catwalk inspired this site. Check it out for a barrel of laughs. We're off to tribal council! I can honestly say I have no idea how this is going to play out. Who will go this week? I don't know. It could be Jenna, because Sean the moron blabbed to everyone about his alphabet strategy, and Jenna IS next on that list...the rest of the alliance might vote with him...yeah, that would be smart... Colleen, Gervase (Gervase? Gervase was in this episode?) and Jenna vote for Rich because he has permanently scarred their minds and severely damaged their vision. Plus, Colleen caught him trying on her super hero cape. Shame on him! Kelly votes for Sean. Um, Sean, yeah, okay, I get it...whatever. As any person with an ounce of brains could figure out, Sean votes for Jenna, and the alliance, except for Kelly, follows suit. So the final tally: 3 for Rich (yay!), 1 for Sean(WASTED VOTE!) and...oh, no...4 for Jenna. Another Pa-gone, and more Rich next week. Things are looking bad. Sean gets this dumbfounded look on his face as Colleen shoots him a death glance. Hey, Sean, if I were you, I'd watch out for Colleen. When she puts that cape on, who knows what she's capable of. Tune in next week for the slow, painful death of the loveable Pagong tribe as Colleen and Gervase gasp for air amongst the seas of the Tagi sharks! Blarney! Send all comments, complaints, and candy bars to Fluffnuts66@aol.com!
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