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Episode 11: "Cats have nine lives...not."WAAHHHHH!!!! That's all I can say for this episode. I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming, we all knew it was coming. Read on. The episode starts out with Colleen showing us her icky legs. "Yeah, they're all cut up, and bugs are living in them, and I'd be lying if I said they didn't hurt..." Someone asked me why Colleen "let the bugs live in her legs", and I say it just goes to show you how nice she is. She didn't kick those poor, homeless bugs out of her legs. Awww... Anyway, when I saw them show Colleen's legs, and her comment about them bugging her, I knew she was a goner. That was CBS's little way of making us think there was an upside to her being kicked, i.e. She gets to keep both of her legs! Yay! Colleen misses her buddies. She's not alone. We ALL miss Pagong. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. What's more exciting, huh? Mud wrestling and Frisbee, or scheming and backstabbing? I don't know. You decide. Stupid Tagi scum. Basically, Colleen is now a loner, left to scour the island for food by herself, and now she also has to feed all those gosh darn bugs. Yeah, life sucks. And yeah, the fact that they made a point to prove that to us ensures Colleen is leaving tonight. Well, as this bittersweet episode goes on, we approach luxury challenge time. This week's luxury is the best luxury of all: A night on a spifftacular yacht. The contest: (another one I understand!) a trivia game, and it's at this point, 33 days into the show, that Colleen realizes she's already on a game show. Hey! Two game shows for the price of one! I like! So, what's the topic? Ex-presidents? Geography? Hollywood stuff? Let me at 'em, I'll whoop them! Oh, SURVIVAL skills? Screw it. Question one: What should you do if you run out of water? Um, find MORE water? I dunno. Nothing? Oh, um, yeah, I knew that. Man, I suck. Anyway, there are a bunch of other questions I don't know the answer to, and if I'd been there, I'd just twirl my answer cube around like a die and whatever side it landed on, that's my answer. Final question: "The black widow is signified by her blue hourglass on her stomach, true or false?" My answer: "C!" Okay, so it's a tiebreaker between Sean (grrrarr...) and Rich (double grrrarr). "What would you drink to kill an intestinal parasite?" My answer: False! Real answer: Kerosene. Sean wins. Okay, so it's Sean and Kelly, going off to the yacht for the night...whaaa? He's taking RICH? Man, that salt water is getting to him. So Sean comes back the next morning to pick up Rich, and gets what I assume is some kind of threat from Kelly: "You tell him he's got to deal with Wiglesworth when he gets back!" Yikes. One thing I must add from the yacht scene: there is one particularly strange moment (even for Survivor) on the yacht. Sean is getting a massage, and he asks the masseuse if his "ass feels bony". So she slaps it. Okay, I can take people gulping down larvae, but that was just flat-out creepy. Rich and Sean come back from their nice little meal on the yacht, and Sean's dad comes with them. Did I mention Sean's dad was on the yacht? Sean's dad was on the yacht. There. Apparently, doofiness is genetic in Sean's family, like eccentricity is in Greg's family and infectious cuteness is in Colleen's family. Sean's dad doesn't know ANYTHING. What a big help he is! Well, at least they know that the United States didn't like, die or something. Whatever. Sean's dad brings along care packages made by each castaway's friends or family. Colleen seems most pleased with hers, since they decided to give her straight cane sugar. She downs 45 packs of sugar, and, as anyone would be, she's on a total sugar high. "WOW, LIKE, I'M SO HIGH RIGHT NOW I COULD LAST A WHOLE 'NOTHER SIX DAYS! I CAN SO TOTALLY LIKE, DO THIS MAN! AHHH! I NEED MORE SUGAR MAN, WHERE'S MY SUGAR? SUGAR! SUGAR! BLAAHHHH!!!" Colleen can barely contain herself. If you thought normal Colleen was perky, wait until you see sugar high Colleen. Sheesh. Immunity challenge, yippee-doo! Come on, Colleen! Win! Win! WIN! Another contest I understand! Really, producers, you flatter me too much. The contestants have to balance on a beam that gets increasingly shorter and shorter. Colleen WOULD have the upper hand in this contest, if it weren't for the simple fact that her legs are pretty much hollowed out and inhabited by icky bugs. Anyway, everyone gradually falls off until all that is left is Colleen and Kelly. Rich is saying how funny it is that Colleen is trying, because she isn't even going tonight. But then the good ole Tagi Alliance starts talking about who goes if Kelly wins. "So is it Sean or Colleen?" Rich asks Sue. "Sean." Ahh! Grrreat! Another week with Colleen and her bug motel legs! Eventually, Colleen starts talking about if she falls, whether or not she'd be voted off. "Not by me", Kelly promises. Apparently, that's a good enough answer for Colleen, so she starts walking, and subsequently walks right off the plank. Come on, Colleen! Follow the directions! You're supposed to stay ON the plank! ON it! Alright, so we're marching off to another Tribal Council. Jeffy asks some questions, and Colleen still feels targeted. Of course. Don't worry, they already said they'd vote for Sean! You're safe! So everyone goes off to vote, and I feel good because they said Sean was going to go. Rich gives a long speech for why he is voting for, presumably, Sean. Colleen votes for Sean because a.) he's still a putz, and b.) she can't vote for herself. Huh? Moving on. Kelly votes for Sean, because she doesn't know her alphabet, but she sure knows her numbers. "24/7", she says. Sean votes for Cool-een (ha-friggin-ha. I almost peed my pants with that one. Not.) because "she's a cool girl and everything." Man, why does he have to go make some dumb comment whenever he votes for her? Like before, he said, "I like Colleen. She's fun to look at." Yeah, Sean. And you're fun to pick on. Too bad you'll be leaving this week. After a few dozen years, Jeffy begins reading the votes. One for Sean. Next vote: Kelly's vote for Sean. Yay! Things are looking good! Alright. One vote for Cool-een. One vote for...whaaa? Colleen? Huh. Must've been Rudy. He forgot what the alliance told him to do. Okay. Another vote for...Colleen? Huh? Last vote...Colleen....NOOO!!!! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? Colleen...did he say Colleen four times? No, I must have been hearing things...wait, Colleen, why are you getting up? Where are you going with your torch? Why are you telling them to "play fair, be nice?" Don't give Jeffy your torch! Don't do it! You can't leave! Stop! NOOOOOO!!!!! Don't walk down that trail! Come back! We need you! Colleen is gone. Pagong is gone. The big, cute hat is gone. My interest in Survivor? You guessed it- gone. Well, I'll see you next week. Maybe.
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