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From the people who brought you...um...this site comes the next biggest thing
in reality entertainment. We've decided to plan FAR ahead and in doing so, have
created what promises to be the most popular reality experiment ever. Well,
maybe not. But it's still fun.
Survivor 3: Suburban Backyard.
The Premise: 8 Americans are stranded in a suburban backyard to fend
for themselves. They must hunt for their own food, defend themselves from common
backyard threats such as cats and gardeners, and get along with their new
housemates.
The Twist: These aren't your regular everyday Joe Americans.
These are special people. Let's introduce them.
- Collique: Collique is a 23-year-old hermaphrodite who is a
corporate trainer. Collique's male side is gay, making Collique 45.6% male,
55.4% female. Collique enjoys running around nude, wearing only her big,
cute hat.
- Judda: Judda is a 72-year-old hermaphrodite ex-Navy SEAL. Judda
wears a bright pink bikini and complains constantly about everyone else on
the show and arthritis. Judda talks about his/her children often, but
most of the time Judda will just blank out mid-convo and forget what he was
saying.
- Jork: Jork is an avid reader, his luxury item being a book,
"Frat Boy's Bible of Hot Chicks". Jork likes to preach the ways of
the Frat Boy bible, and is always hitting on the cute hermaphrodites in the
backyard. Jork is full of himself.
- Grebbie: Grebbie is a 24-year-old so-called "journeyman"
who, even though he practically is one himself, has a problem with
"kids these days". Grebbie likes clean clothes and kitty-kats.
- Stona: Stona is a cranky ukulele player from the Bay Area. She
likes to whine about everyone, but sometimes she can be nice. Her ukulele
provides fun for all...especially when it comes time to beat Stona over the
head with it during one of her mood swings.
- Ramonchen: Ramonchen is a chemist and teacher. She is said to have
great survival skills, including being a natural food recycler. She's
totally against alliances, but sure seems allied to her bed and a barf bag.
- Suevase: Suevase is a trucker with a loud, annoying voice and not a
whole lot of energy. Suevase manages to annoy and charm at the same time, as
in annoying when they speak, annoying when they sleep, and charming when
they go away.
- Seally: Seally TELLS us he is a doctor, but we don't believe him.
He brought a Fisher-Price "Lil' Doctor" playkit to the backyard,
and rumor has it he's stolen all of the other castaways' belongings.
- Jeffy Pop: The loveable, product-placing host of the first
two Survivors has decided to tag along for Survivor 3: Suburban
Backyard. Okay, not really. Our host is just a Golden Retriever with cue
cards tied to him.
Week One:
Stona instantly begins to talk behind the other castaway's backs. She
writes songs about all of their problems, and one particular line about
Stona's greatness prompts the seven other castaways to beat her severely.
Grebbie finds a watering hole, even though it's really a huge pool that was in
plain view the whole time. Collique and Grebbie begin to talk to each other,
and become fast friends. Suevase sleeps, and much to the horror of everyone
else, it is discovered that Suevase talks in her sleep. Collique confesses to
Judda that she is a hermaphrodite, and that her male half is gay. Judda, being
a Navy guy, has a comment: "Yeah, I kinda liked that Collique before I
knew they was half-queer. And they're a hermaphrodite. Wait till my buddies
hear about this. Of course, I'm a hermaphrodite too, but don't tell them
that."
Voting: In an odd move, everyone votes for the grass. Here are some
reasons why:
Collique: "The grass is making my legs slowly
die."
Grebbie: "You can't smoke this grass. Stupid grass
these days."
Suevase: "I can spell 'gras' better than I can
spell my own name!"
So the grass is yanked out, and the survivors rejoice.
Week 2- Who's that man in the bushes?
- All of the men on the island flip when Collique reveals she likes to run
around nude. Then, when she actually does, they are disgusted to find out
she is actually 45.6% male. Grebbie, who has been in a relationship of odd
sorts with Collique, has this to say: "It's like this. You have this
kitten, and you bring this kitten along and you pet it and play with it and
sleep with it every night, and then one day it just confesses that it has
both male and female genitalia. And that's just sick." Grebbie flips
out after hearing Collique's secret, and after realizing the object of his
affections is 45.6% man, he rinses all of his clothes in the tribe's cooking
pot, angering many.
Who got the boot this week?
- Although Grebbie's makeshift washer incident almost seemed to guarantee
his execution, everyone decided to vote for the sprinkler system, now
obsolete after the removal of the lawn. They complained about the sprinklers
going off in all hours of the night, keeping them either soaking wet, or
forced to live in the tool shed. "That tool shed is a scary place.
There's a shadow in there all the time that looks like the devil, and I
would rather stay away from it" Jork said in his explanation. So out
the sprinklers went.
- Will the possessed tool shed be next to go? Or will a CONTESTANT be
voted off, only to exact revenge? Find out next time!
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